Facing the Fear

This image is dedicated to my dear friend Turtle,
 who is facing some fears of her own.
We're in this together!

It has taken some serious force of will, but I have finally jumped back into working on the sequel to Finding Angel.

"Right now?" you ask. "Seriously? Isn't it due out later this year?"

Yes, yes, and yes.

But hang on. I started scribbling ideas for this book waaaaaaay back when I was writing Finding Angel. We're talking 2007, folks. And in between bouts of editing Finding Angel and writing short stories, I worked on it bit by bit. A chapter here and there. So when I say "finally jumped back" I mean into a manuscript sporting 58,000 words.

Okay, it's less than that now. I've been editing what I've written so far.

Still, you are right. It's been months (many, many of them) since I last looked at the manuscript. I should have jumped back in the day Finding Angel released. I could give you a whole list of excuses right now. Most of them legitimate. But I won't, because I know deep down the reason was fear.

It sounds ridiculous to me, but it's true. I know, I've already proven I can finish a novel. But there is still this odd fear that I can't do it again. That I'll get partway through and my creativity and talent will just dissipate. Gone. Never to return.

Even more ridiculous sounding is my fear of disappointing my "fans." All four of them! Okay, there are more than four :P, but I'm nowhere near NYT bestseller, so let's be honest--it's not like a sucky second novel will be disappointing masses of people. But the ones it would disappoint mean SO much to me.

There has also been the fear that I've mis-remembered what I've written so far. In other words, I'd open up my document and find mindless drivel rather than the brilliance I thought it was when I was writing it. This is nothing to snicker at. We writers all look back on early drafts and wonder what we were thinking. I expect a certain amount of that, but my fear has been that the amount would be daunting.

Fortunately, so far, that has not been the case. I've had a few "eye roll" moments, and a "cringe" here and there, but for the most part, the story and writing are pretty well what I want them to be.

(Aside: A new point of view is added to this novel. Finding Angel is all in Angel's pov, except for a few blurbs from the villain. This one, however, toggles back and forth between Angel and Someone Else. Someone I loooooove writing.)

Lastly, there is fear of the critique and editing process. Yes, I've been through this. Yes, my skin has thickened. Still, this is my heart and soul we're talking about. Bared to someone with a bloodthirsty knife--er, red pen. I know critique will only make this book stronger. But it does so through torture.

It took a while for me to admit to myself that fear was the culprit here. But admitting it allowed me to face it, and move past it. I spent all day Saturday editing. Pages and pages. The fire for this story was still there, and it's now burning even more brightly, I'm happy to say.

I'd heard many times that the second book is the hardest to write. I've seen blog posts by other authors attesting to this fact, and maybe that added to my fear. I now understand where they were coming from. I also know it probably won't stop with this book, but I believe it will get a little easier (otherwise they'd all be saying it's the third book and fourth book and twenty-seventh book that is the hardest). If nothing else, next time I'll know it's fear, I'll know what its ugly face looks like because I've seen it before. No more excuses.

Yes, it's Writing.

Another day of randomness here. This time, my list of things that aren't writing, but count:

1--Editing a friend's short story.

2--Critiquing a friend's manuscript.

3--Reading.

4--Brainstorming back cover blurbs for anthologies.

5--Answering questions about viruses for a friend who is doing real writing.

6--Blogging lists of randomness.

7--Planning out blog posts of actual purpose.

8--Discussing writing in the comments on someone else's blog.

9--Outlining a speech I'll be giving on online marketing.

10--Freaking out about number nine.

11--Approving the galleys of my stories that are coming out in anthologies soon.

12--Dusting my desk so my computer doesn't overheat.

13--Daydreaming. Yep, I'm counting it.

See, I've just been too busy "writing" to write.

Excuses

So...I haven't blogged in about a week. First, it was not having anything to say. Then, we went out of town (Universal Studios for three days--the Wizarding World of Harry Potter--oh, yeah). After that it was two days of family gatherings because my grandmother passed away. That was followed by two days of Blogger being futsy.

There, those are my excuses. Rack them up with all the other excuses I've given lately for not writing. For slacking off on homeschooling. For not submitting short stories. For not marketing the stuff I have out there now. For not going to the homeschool park. For not keeping up with emails. For barely reading. For...

The truth is, I've been feeling completely burnt out lately. I've been writing for nearly four years now, and homeschooling for six. I. Am. Tired. It's as if all my creative energy burst out in the beginning and has slowed to a trickle, taking my energy with it.

No worries--I'm not giving up. Although the thought has surely crossed my mind. But I can't give up. I'm one of those people who would hate myself more if I gave up than if I spent the rest of my life fruitlessly chasing this dream. I'd spend forever wondering if things would have turned around if only I'd sent out just one more query, spent just one more day writing.

I've been making excuses, but it's only temporary. I wrote a whole new short story this week--about 1800 words long. And I've submitted two others that have been sitting here. So, slowly but surely, I'm pushing the excuses to the side.