Friday, April 22, 2011

The Sand is Always Whiter on the Other Side

Yeah, I know--the saying is technically "The grass is always greener on the other side." But I live in Florida. And for the last week I was camping with my family at Fort Desoto, which is right on the water. We also spent a good amount of time at St. Pete beach and Clearwater beach. I had fun, but I'm not really a beach person. I thought today, while I'm completely wiped out from the trip, I'd share why:

Sunscreen. It is sticky and greasy. Yes, some is less so, but none is completely not so. It's expensive, too. And no matter how you slice it, it's chock-full of chemicals. And it burns when it drips into your eyes. Which brings me to...

Sweat. Yep, you go to the beach in Florida any time other than February and you will sweat. And it just coats your skin because Florida is so humid. So, now you're sticky and sweaty...time for....

Sand. It's so white and pretty to look at. But when it's stuck to your sticky, sweaty skin it's not so pretty. When it's worming its way into every crack and crevice it's no fun either. And when the sun beats down on it, it gets hot. Burn the bottom of your feet hot. And so does....

Pavement. However hot the sand is, the pavement is at least twice as hot. And in Florida, it's everywhere. If there's room, someone will come along and pave every bit of land they can. Yet there is an extreme....

Lack of parking. I think there must be a law on the books somewhere that says no shop or restaurant is allowed more than two parking spaces in St. Pete, and in Clearwater they're allowed none. Everything is metered, so you get to walk for miles on that hot pavement, sticky and sweaty and covered in sand, in order to get to your car. And while you're walking, watch out for....

Tourists who have no clue where they're going. Seriously, it sometimes seems that every state in the US is determined to send their worst drivers to Florida. Although, in their defense, we have to consider.....

Florida roads, and thereby their planners, which make it impossible for anyone, including native Floridians, to find their way around. Can you say no common sense? How about pointless round-abouts? And speaking of pointless....

Palm trees. They provide no shade. They provide no food (not here, anyway). They are not, technically, even trees. Yep, they are in the grass family. They are really overgrown weeds. Which brings me to the wildlife....

Jellyfish and sharks. They scare the life out of me. The beach is pretty safe when it comes to sharks, although I have seen them myself right there by the water--watched a friend of mine dash into the waves to snatch his five-year-old son out of the way of one. And jellyfish are just creepy. Not quite as creepy as...

Speedos. Why is it that those suits are only ever worn by the people who have the farthest thing in the world from a swimmer's body? This is not a matter for political correctness--it's simple math: the more surface area you have, the more material you need to cover the same percentage of skin.

OK....I guess that's probably enough, eh? I could list a few more things, like dirty beach restrooms with no soap, overpriced shops filled with obscene t-shirts, and the fact that high-rise condos and hotels are taking over so you can no longer even see the beach unless you pay $200 a night to do so.

*BUT*

What makes up for all of the above:

Eating grouper sandwiches and gator nuggets, and sipping a pina colada, on an outside deck, while listening to cover bands who play eighties music and Jimmy Buffet as the sun sets.

4 comments:

tyeager said...

The best view of the beach is from a balcony in your resort, of course. When I don't happen to be brimming with extra cash, I also love the hidden beach we visit near Coquina--hardly a soul on the sand.

Robynn Tolbert said...

I hate sand. And beaches. And tourists. And driving. And metered parking.
Can't say I really planned to visit Florida anytime soon, but you pretty much clinched it, m'dear.
Guess you'll have to brave the tornados and toodle the fam up to visit me some day.

Kat Heckenbach said...

Tina--you're right. I love the sunset views. And there are quiet beaches--you just have to know where to find them :).

Robynn--fortunately Florida isn't ALL beach. There's a lot to do, and much better parking, if you stay inland ;). And there's theme parks! Oh, yeah, motion sickness, I forgot. So, yeah, no Florida trips for you :P. I'd love to come out that way, though!

Kevin and Charlotte said...

Sorry I'm late reading this. Fascinated, as I used to live on St. Pete Beach (Pass-a-Grille) a few years ago. Everything you say is true. But those Grouper sandwiches at sunset do cover a multitude of sins.